FACT
About 95% of sexual assault victims know
their perpetrators
Sylvia's Place
Allegan County Domestic Violence Shelter
P.O. Box 13
Allegan, MI 49010
269.673.8700
E-Mail Us
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Many people are
interested in signs to predict whether they are about to become involved with
someone who will be abusive. Below is a list of behaviors that are seen in
people who abuse their partners. If the person has several of these behaviors
(three or more) there is a strong potential for violence in the relationship.
The more signs a person has, the more likely the person is an abuser. In some
cases, an abuser may have only a couple of behaviors that the partner can
recognize, but they are very exaggerated (e.g., will try to explain his/her
behavior as signs of his/her love and concern, and a partner may be flattered
at first; as time goes on, the behaviors become more severe and serve to dominate
and control the partner).
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- Jealousy: At the beginning of a
relationship, an abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love.
Jealousy has nothing to do with love. It is a sign of possesiveness and lack of trust. The abuser will
question the partner about who s/he talks to, accuse the partner of
flirting, or be jealous of time s/he spends with family, friends or
children. As the jealousy progresses, the abuser may call frequently
during the day or drop by unexpectedly. The abusive partner may refuse
to let their partner work for fear s/he will meet someone else. The
abuser may check car mileage or ask friends to watch their partner for
them in their absence.
- Controlling
Behavior: At
first, the abuser will say this behavior is because s/he is concerned
for the victim's safety, her/his need to use her/his time well, or
her/his need to make good decisions. The abuser will be angry if the
partner is "late" coming back from the store or an
appointment. The abuser will question the partner closely about where
s/he went, whom s/he talked to. As this behavior worsens, the abuser may
not let the partner make personal decisions about the house, what to
wear, or going to church. The abuser may keep all the money or even make
the partner ask permission to leave the house or room.
- Quick Involvement: Many victims of domestic
violence dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they
were married, engaged, or living together. The abusive partner comes on
like a whirlwind, claiming "you are the only person I could ever
talk to," "I have never felt loved like this by anyone."
S/he will pressure the potential partner to commit to the relationship
in such a way that later the partner may feel very guilty or that s/he
is "letting them down" if s/he wants to slow down involvement
or break it off.
- Unrealistic
Expectations:
Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all their needs; s/he
expects the partner to be the perfect spouse, parent, lover, friend. The
abusive partner will say things like "If you love me," "I
am all you need" or "You are all I need." That victim is
supposed to take care of everything for him/her emotionally and in the
home.
- Isolation: The abusive person tries to
cut the victim off from all resources. If the victim has friends of the
opposite sex, s/he is "fooling around." If s/he has same sex
friends, s/he is "homosexual." If s/he is close to family,
s/he is "tied to the apron strings." The abuser accuses people
who are of support to the victim of "causing trouble." The
abuser may want to live in the country without a phone, s/he may not let
their partner use a car (or have one that is reliable), or s/he may try
to keep the victim from working or going to school.
- Blames Others For
Problems: If
the abuser is chronically unemployed, someone is always doing him/her
wrong, or is out to get him/her. The abuser may make mistakes and then
blame the partner for upsetting him/her and keeping him/her from
concentrating on the work. The abuser will tell the partner s/he is at
fault for almost anything that goes wrong.
- Blames Others for
Feelings: An
abuser will tell the partner "you make me mad," "you are
hurting me by not doing what I want you to do," " I can not
help being angry." S/he really makes the decision about what s/he
thinks or feels, but will use feelings to manipulate the partner. Harder
to catch are claims that "you make me happy," "you
control how I feel."
- Hypersensitivity: An abuser is easily
insulted, and will claim his/her feelings are "hurt" when
really s/he is very mad or s/he takes the slightest setbacks as personal
attacks. The abusive partner will "rant and rave" about the
injustice of things that have happened that are really just part of
living like being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket,
being told some behavior is annoying, being asked to help with chores.
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- Cruelty to Animals
or Children:
Abusers may punish animals brutally or be insensitive to their pain or
suffering. S/he may expect children to be capable for doing things beyond
their ability (spanks a two year old for wetting a diaper) or s/he may
tease children or young brothers and sisters until they cry. The abuser
may not want children to eat at the table or expect to keep them in
their room all evening while s/he is home.
- "Playful"
Use of Force in Sex: This kind of person may like to throw the partner down and hold
her/him down during sex. S/he may want to act out fantasies during sex
where the partner is helpless. The abuser is letting the partner know
that the idea of rape is exciting. He/she may show little concern about
whether the partner wants to have sex and uses sulking or anger to
manipulate her/him into compliance. The abuser may start having sex with
the partner while s/he is sleeping, or demand sex when s/he is ill or
tired.
- Verbal Abuse: In addition to saying things
that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, this can be seen when the abuser
degrades the partner, cursing her/him, running down any of her/his
accomplishments. The abuser will tell the partner that s/he is stupid
and unable to function without him/her. This may involve waking the
partner up to verbally abuse her/him or not letting her/him go to sleep.
- Rigid Sex Roles: The abuser expects the
partner to serve them; the abuser may say the partner must stay at home,
that s/he must obey in all things - even things that are criminal in
nature. In heterosexual relationships, the abuser will see women as
inferior to men, responsible for menial tasks, stupid, and unable to be
a whole person without a relationship.
- Dr. Jekyll and Mr.
Hyde: Many
victims are confused by their abuser's "sudden" changes in
mood - they may think the abuser has some special mental problem because
one minute she is nice and the next s/he is exploding. Explosiveness and
moodiness are typical of people who abuse their partners, and these
behaviors are related to other characteristics like hypersensitivity.
- **Past Battering: This person may say s/he has
hit others in the past, but they made him/her do it. The partner may
hear from relatives or ex-intimate partners that the person is abusive.
An abuser will beat any partner they are with if the partner is with
him/her long enough for the violence to begin.
- **Threats of
Violence:
This could include any threat of physical force meant to control the
partner: "I'll slap your mouth off," "I will kill
you," "I will break your neck." Most people do not
threaten their mates, but an abuser will try to excuse threats by saying
"everbody talks like that."
- **Breaking or
Striking Objects: This behavior maybe used as a punishment (breaking loved
possessions), but is mostly used to terrorize the partner into
submission. The abuser may beat on the table with his/her fist, throw
objects around or near the partner. Again, this is very remarkable
behavior - not only is this a sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but
there is great danger when someone thinks they have the
"right" to punish or frighten their partner.
- **Any Force During
an Argument:
This may involve a batterer holding the partner down, physically restraining
her/him from leaving the room, and pushing or shoving. They may hold the
victim against the wall and say "you are going to listen to
me!"
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