FACT
In 97% of domestic assaults, the man is
the perpetrator of the violence
Sylvia's Place
Allegan County Domestic Violence Shelter
P.O. Box 13
Allegan, MI 49010
269.673.8700
E-Mail Us
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Obviously the list below
is incomplete and each motive is not operating in each case, but a
combination of some of the factors listed below is usually enough to keep the
woman together with her abusive partner.
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- They love him.
- They fear him, believing him
to be almost all-powerful. Often threats are made against her, (e.g., he
will kill her if she reports him to anyone). Police, in her eyes, offer
no real protection against him.
- Abusive partners who are
arrested are usually released in a matter of hours (on bond), and may
take revenge on the woman reporting.
- Even if it is the neighbors
who report, the abuser may take it out on her. So often when the police
come she will not admit to being assaulted.
- She may be economically
dependent on him and see no real alternative. Often in her eyes,
occasional battering is worth putting up with in exchange for economic
security.
- Religious and cultural beliefs, or the eyes of society demand that she maintain
the façade of a good marriage.
- Often he is her only support
system psychologically, having systematically destroyed her other
friendships. Other people also feel uncomfortable around violence and
withdraw from the couple.
- Often she stays for the sake
of the "children needing a father" or he may make a threat of
violence against her children. He may threaten to have her children
taken away from her if she attempts to leave the relationship.
- Learned helplessness.
- Law endorsement and judicial authorities
often do not take domestic assault seriously,
hence he is often never really punished or removed from her. Any attempt
by her to consult authorities is seen as a threat and he may beat her
for her attempts.
- Often the men are otherwise
highly respected and mild mannered, so her concerns are not taken
seriously. Often he is violent only with her, and she may therefore
conclude that there's something wrong with her.
- She often believes his
reasoning, (e.g., that she "deserved" the punishment or that
he was just to drunk to know what he was
doing).
- She may have no idea that
services are available and may feel trapped.
- The assault takes place in a
relatively short period of time. Afterwards he may be quiet, gentle, and
loving and promise never to hit her again. Many victims describe their
partners as charming and loving (when they are not battering).
- She may be convinced that
this abusive incident will be the last.
- She may have lived in a home
where her father beat her mother and accepts it as natural behavior.
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- Often battered women,
motivated by pity and compassion, are convinced that they alone can help
their man.
- Often women believe that if
only they would "improve," (e.g., stop making mistakes) the
battering will stop. They believe that they can control the abuse
through their own behavior. They stay due to their own guilt.
- Often women believe that
things will change for the better eventually.
- Many women are ambvialent about their situation and may be poor
decision makers. People working with abused women, such as police,
lawyers, doctors, or mental health workers may need a decision quicker
than she can make one. To file a police report of the assault or to
obtain a Personal Protection Order (PPO) are major decisions that must
have to be made soon after the abusive incident.
- Some women get used to a
turbulent lifestyle and become accustomed to the intensity and chaos of
the abusive relationship.
- Fear, even terror of
loneliness. Many women marry immediately after leaving their family and
to live alone is a terrifying experience for them.
- Social stigma. Because others
cannot understand why any self-respecting woman would stay in an abusive
situation, she may be embarrassed to acknowledge what is going on.
- Often relatives get tired of
helping her out, time after time, giving her a
place to stay, etc. The abuser may also threaten the family if they help
her out. As a result, the family often ceases to be a resource upon
which she can rely.
- Many women do not see
themselves as abused women. They may realize they have problems but do
not identify the abuse as being their main problem.
- Many have been raised to
believe in the all-importance of a good relationship with a man, and
that good relationships are their responsibility, not his.
- Some do not know they have
the right not to be beaten.
- Some women are afraid that if
they report the crime the husband might lose his job, which is the
family's only source of income.
- Some believe that outsiders
should not be involved in the affairs of a family
- Some women are afraid of some
kind of retaliation by the extended family, if they break up with him or
report him to the authorities.
- Many women do not want any
change in the relationship except not to be abused.
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